I can't promise that this journal is going to be the most positive or nice thing I've ever wrote. It's probably a warped way of looking at the world. However I can promise that this is the truth how I see it.
As this life of mine continues to go on, I am reminded of something that I hate. Something that I dislike; something that hates up at me.
And while this happens I see every couple of days something close by but that others complain about that seems to hold no water to me. They complain about how the world as changed. How sad it is that the kids these days don't get to have the cartoons that they had. The static they had. The whole culture that they grew up with that can never be repeated. And really what's the point? No one said the new can't be as good as the old. But I guess there is one key word here: Progress.
Sometimes I don't see progress. But it isn't it the whole world view as some of these posts are talking about. It's much smaller and much more personal than any of that can be. It's me, it's you, it's all of us. But especially it's you. Maybe not all of you, but some of you yes. It's been a long battle. I've known all of you for different amount of times. Some of you I just met a couple of days ago, and others I've known for a long time. IT is of those whom I have known a long time that this especially concerns.
I miss the old times. The progress of the past. The things that existed back then. But the thing I miss the most is who you all used to be. Now don't think I don't like who you are now. And now don't think that even means who you are then is better than who you are now. It's just there are changes that you made through out your growing. Changes that weren't for the better. Changes that didn't need to be made. And some changes that go against the core of what you were many years ago. When I met you all the way back then you were a much different person, and the things you cared about were much different. But somehow all that you were back then you allowed to change and now you aren't that anymore.
And I did the opposite. While you were running away from what you used to be. I embraced what I was more nd more. I lived it. I continued to rely on it. Like a cane. A horrible cane that provided me with the only happiness that I was getting. I lived it and continued to be more of what I was. And there you were running away. Running off to something new. Something different. Somewhere where I wouldn't be. Somewhere where none of us would be. All your old friends that somehow didn't matter anymore. All those poor souls who still wanted something. Who still had a stake in the corporation that went burning down into ash, only to pop up as something new, and unrecognizable.
And that makes me sad. I'm not going to lie, it makes me sad. It makes me more than sad. It doesn't just effect you. It doesn't effect the relationship between you and me. It goes so much farther than that. When you change yourself it goes far behind the lines of yourself and into the deep heart and sole of myself. It makes me peek inside myself, and look towards the light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't think this is what many of you want to hear but it is what is the truth. Sometimes the changes that all of you take make me much less likely to make any changes. Ever since I was young I did promise myself to stay true to myself. And I have. Some things may have changed about me, but every single year I've known myself I can identify that I have always been and will that silleh person who loves cute things. Pokemon has been with me for 14 years, and will continue for as long as I live. And I don't think I'll ever stop trying to spread peace and love. However there are parts of me that have changed. Smaller cogs in the machine as life goes on. However every single time, someone from my past shows themselves and shows the changes that they've made. The changes that drifts them apart from the bridge that we used to populate together. It makes me sad. It makes me more than sad. It makes me more dedicated in my resolve. It makes me try harder not to change myself. To keep me as the same person that I am. Because you may have changed and betrayed the very heart of our relationship, or the very heart of yourself but I am not going to do the same. I am not going to leave my friends in the dust because I decide to pack my bags and leave for greener pastures. Besides the grass only looks greener on the other side because of an illusion of the eye. When you look hard enough you notice that every patch of grass happens to be the same dried up patchwork that has been festering for the past couple of years. I'm not going to move myself to new grass, when I have old friends at my old grass. You make me want to keep myself strong and dedicated because you weren't. I won't change myself like you have.
But there is a problem there. And I'm sure that any of you who know me well enough are able to pick up on it. I think most of us know that I am depressed. Quite depressed really. It is at the heart of my very being. A heart that I don't want to change. IT is true that I can't imagine a live without being depressed. Even if I wasn't depressed for my childhood I can't imagine now living through my life without that constant source of sadness breathing down my neck. It has become such a part of me. The times where I curl up and hide from the world. The sadness that I express to all of my friends and family. The emotions that build up in me and faster along. All of this has become part of my lifestyle. Part of my being. I spend so much of my time being the depressed person I am looking for help and friends that it's hard to imagine that not being there.
And that is where my problem exists. Where my question needs to be asked. Am I teaching myself to not change this undesirable part of myself. To not change my depression and keep on being the depressed bunny that I am. I wouldn't doubt that the answer is yes. Somewhere in my subconscious, despite the fact that I want to be happy again, is pulling and tugging on me trying to hold onto my depression not wanting to change like those around me. Subconsciously I am losing the battle that exists in the subconscious. It is telling me to stay depressed. To keep on doing the same things that I am doing. To keep on feeling the same sad thoughts that I go through daily.
Because I don't want to change.
I don't want to change who I am.
Despite the hate I have for myself. I like who I am.
I wish everyone liked me.
I wished I liked me.
And yet I do like me.
How much would I change if I had the chance?
Would I even change?
Probably, but not as much as one might expect.
In someways I do like myself.
But I hate myself as I feel that's what others do. But that's a different story for a different day.
Today is change.
This change that I am not making.
This change I don't want to make.
It seems that my history is telling me not to change myself. I don't want to leave my friends like my friends left me. I don't' want to change who I am and become someone who isn't me. I want to be true to myself. Something that is lacking in this world of masks and shells. But how do I get rid of this awful depression and become the bunny I want to be in the end. How do I get from Point A to Point B without losing myself. I don't know if you could even know. A lot of you lost yourselfs when you went from Point R to Point H. Parts fell down the wagon, and with that the screws on the bridges started to come undone. Some of them are still working but the foundation is weak. Others collapsed into the sea, and those islands can no longer be crossed together. And that is sad. To see how what used to be beautiful is no longer such. This isn't progress, this is regression.
Why do you dislike yourself? Why do you treat your past as some monster that you are glad to escape from? That used to be you one time. A you with feelings. Why do you deny all that is in the past and try to build a future far removed from what you used to love. Why shut out those parts of you that used to be so close and so important. It's sad. I don't like this change. I don't want to say that the old parts of me are shit. I want to love myself. I want to love the old me, the new me, the all me. I don't want to burn bridges and throw rocks at the very people who tried to mold and support me. But you do. Maybe you don't even know you do but you do. You change. You changed. And that you before. The you that I had many adventures and picnics with. It doesn't exist. And it's sad. You couldn't even keep it to help us all. It had to go. I had to go.
I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but this is the truth. The horrible confusing truth. And as this comes to a close I have one request. Please remember who you were. Remember what we had in the past. And don't let that go. Don't give up the things that brought us close together. The things that you used to love. The things that were central to your being. Let's bring our heads up and look at all of the things we enjoyed and keep them in our heart, as part of us. An us that existed and will always exist.
Remember who I am and what I love. That won't change. Remember how they fit into you. And embrace it. Because maybe there we'll find some happy place.
(A small note, please comment, and if you do remember for one rare time in my life I am being open and honest. I am letting you into my mind, and in my vague way giving you more information. So please be respectful, even if the words weren't those you wanted to hear.)