Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
April 2, 2013
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
267
Favourites
6 (who?)
Comments
13
×
I can't promise that this journal is going to be the most positive or nice thing I've ever wrote. It's probably a warped way of looking at the world. However I can promise that this is the truth how I see it.

As this life of mine continues to go on, I am reminded of something that I hate. Something that I dislike; something that hates up at me.
And while this happens I see every couple of days something close by but that others  complain about that seems to hold no water to me. They complain about how the world as changed. How sad it is that the kids these days don't get to have the cartoons that they had. The static they had. The whole culture that they grew up with that can never be repeated. And really what's the point? No one said the new can't be as good as the old. But I guess there is one key word here: Progress.
Sometimes I don't see progress. But it isn't it the whole world view as some of these posts are talking about. It's much smaller and much more personal than any of that can be. It's me, it's you, it's all of us. But especially it's you. Maybe not all of you, but some of you yes. It's been a long battle. I've known all of you for different amount of times. Some of you I just met a couple of days ago, and others I've known for a long time. IT is of those whom I have known a long time that this especially concerns.
I miss the old times. The progress of the past. The things that existed back then. But the thing I miss the most is who you all used to be. Now don't think I don't like who you are now. And now don't think that even means who you are then is better than who you are now. It's just there are changes that you made through out your growing. Changes that weren't for the better. Changes that didn't need to be made. And some changes that go against the core of what you were many years ago. When I met you all the way back then you were a much different person, and the things you cared about were much different. But somehow all that you were back then you allowed to change and now you aren't that anymore.

And I did the opposite. While you were running away from what you used to be. I embraced what I was more nd more. I lived it. I continued to rely on it. Like a cane. A horrible cane that provided me with the only happiness that I was getting. I lived it and continued to be more of what I was. And there you were running away. Running off to something new. Something different. Somewhere where I wouldn't be. Somewhere where none of us would be. All your old friends that somehow didn't matter anymore. All those poor souls who still wanted something. Who still had a stake in the corporation that went burning down into ash, only to pop up as something new, and unrecognizable.

And that makes me sad. I'm not going to lie, it makes me sad. It makes me more than sad. It doesn't just effect you. It doesn't effect the relationship between you and me. It goes so much farther than that. When you change yourself it goes far behind the lines of yourself and into the deep heart and sole of myself. It makes me peek inside myself, and look towards the light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't think this is what many of you want to hear but it is what is the truth. Sometimes the changes that all of you take make me much less likely to make any changes. Ever since I was young I did promise myself to stay true to myself. And I have. Some things may have changed about me, but every single year I've known myself I can identify that I have always been and will that silleh person who loves cute things. Pokemon has been with me for 14 years, and will continue for as long as I live. And I don't think I'll ever stop trying to spread peace and love. However there are parts of me that have changed. Smaller cogs in the machine as life goes on. However every single time, someone from my past shows themselves and shows the changes that they've made. The changes that drifts them apart from the bridge that we used to populate together. It makes me sad. It makes me more than sad. It makes me more dedicated in my resolve. It makes me try harder not to change myself. To keep me as the same person that I am. Because you may have changed and betrayed the very heart of our relationship, or the very heart of yourself but I am not going to do the same. I am not going to leave my friends in the dust because I decide to pack my bags and leave for greener pastures. Besides the grass only looks greener on the other side because of an illusion of the eye. When you look hard enough you notice that every patch of grass happens to be the same dried up patchwork that has  been festering for the past couple of years. I'm not going to move myself to new  grass, when I have old friends at my old grass. You make me want to keep myself strong and dedicated because you weren't. I won't change myself like you have.

But there is a problem there. And I'm sure that any of you who know me well enough are able to pick up on it. I think most of us know that I am depressed. Quite depressed really. It is at the heart of my very being. A heart that I don't want to change. IT is true that I can't imagine a live without being depressed. Even if I wasn't depressed for my childhood I can't imagine now living through my life without that constant source of sadness breathing down my neck. It has become such a part of me. The times where I curl up and hide from the world. The sadness that I express to all of my friends and family. The emotions that build up in me and faster along. All of this has become part of my lifestyle. Part of my being. I spend so much of my time being the depressed person I am looking for help and friends that it's hard to imagine that not being there.

And that is where my problem exists. Where my question needs to be asked. Am I teaching myself to not change this undesirable part of myself. To not change my depression and keep on being the depressed bunny that I am. I wouldn't doubt that the answer is yes. Somewhere in my subconscious, despite the fact that I want to be happy again, is pulling and tugging on me trying to hold onto my depression not wanting to change like those around me. Subconsciously I am losing the battle that exists in the subconscious. It is telling me to stay depressed. To keep on doing the same things that I am doing. To keep on feeling the same sad thoughts that I go through daily.

Because I don't want to change.

I don't want to change who I am.

Despite the hate I have for myself. I like who I am.

I wish everyone liked me.

I wished I liked me.

And yet I do like me.

How much would I change if I had the chance?

Would I even change?

Probably, but not as much as one might expect.

In someways I do like myself.

But I hate myself as I feel that's what others do. But that's a different story for a different day.

Today is change.

This change that I am not making.
This change I don't want to make.

It seems that my history is telling me not to change myself. I don't want to leave my friends like my friends left me. I don't' want to change who I am and become someone who isn't me. I want to be true to myself. Something that is lacking in this world of masks and shells. But how do I get rid of this awful depression and become the bunny I want to be in the end. How do I get from Point A to Point B without losing myself. I don't know if you could even know. A lot of you lost yourselfs when you went from Point R to Point H. Parts fell down the wagon, and with that the screws on the bridges started to come undone. Some of them are still working but the foundation is weak. Others collapsed into the sea, and those islands can no longer be crossed together.  And that is sad. To see how what used to be beautiful is no longer such. This isn't progress, this is regression.

Why do you dislike yourself? Why do you treat your past as some monster that you are glad to escape from? That used to be you one time. A you with feelings. Why do you deny all that is in the past and try to build a future far removed from what you used to love. Why shut out those parts of you that used to be so close and so important. It's sad. I don't like this change. I don't want to say that the old parts of me are shit. I want to love myself. I want to love the old me, the new me, the all me. I don't want to burn bridges and throw rocks at the very people who tried to mold and support me. But you do. Maybe you don't even know you do but you do. You change. You changed. And that you before. The you that I had many adventures and picnics with. It doesn't exist. And it's sad. You couldn't even keep it to help us all. It had to go. I had to go.

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but this is the truth. The horrible confusing truth. And as this comes to a close I have one request. Please remember who you were. Remember what we had in the past. And don't let that go. Don't give up the things that brought us close together. The things that you used to love. The things that were central to your being. Let's bring our heads up and look at all of the things we enjoyed and keep them in our heart, as part of us. An us that existed and will always exist.

Remember who I am and what I love. That won't change. Remember how they fit into you. And embrace it. Because maybe there we'll find some happy place.

------

(A small note, please comment, and if you do remember for one rare time in my life I am being open and honest. I am letting you into my mind, and in my vague way giving you more information. So please be respectful, even if the words weren't those you wanted to hear.)
Add a Comment:
 
:icontsuru67:
tsuru67 Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2013  Student Digital Artist
True, change can be bad if you're changing how you truly are. I'm still afraid of change as well. :< I'd rather be on the old grass I know and love.
I don't want to grow up, I want to stay as a child. I don't care for all the 3-d games we have now, I'll just stick in the past. I don't want to go to high school. I don't want to think of moving, and leaving the friends I know to go somewhere with no one to be there. I don't want to be anywhere else but right now.
I don't want to change how I act, I want to be me and enjoy it.
Sometimes I look at something regular these days, and a wave of nostalgia hits over me and I end up thinking back, sometimes to back when I was still in Ohio (quite a while back). And I'd want to stop, to reverse time and go back to the way I used to be.
But I guess change will come naturally... Maybe someday we'll all change without knowing it...
But just because we change doesn't mean we're not ourselves. We always will be same... somewhere... deep down... XD Small, little changes even come daily. Everything that happens affects us in some way... Little ripples, big waves...
But I read once that no one knows what would have been, only what has happened. Change is inevitable, we just have to accept what it does to us. Change can't be forced.
Good journal, it's very interesting. It really made me think. :)
And even if you're not universally liked...
You're still liked by us. ^^ :huggle:
Reply
:iconseaweedbrain012:
SeaWeedBrain012 Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
I will stay at the old grass with you, have u noticed any changes in me?
Reply
:iconmikachusango:
MikachuSango Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
What kind of changes do you mean on your friends? Like them growing out of pokemon or any childhood hobby they may have enjoyed or do you mean like them getting married,going to college,or any thing that may make their life happier or better for them(meaning easy/less stressful)? Shoot I still love pokemon,I have for about 14 years as well,I would say my biggest change is I got stronger,bullies can't hurt me like they use to 14 years ago. I'll tell you something I learned from a book I read once 'Happiness is a choice'. We can choose to be happy or be depressed,while that isn't always true most of the time it is. Something I'm curious about,would you say I've changed any since you 1st met me? If so how have I changed? Be in answer to your question you have to want it with every thing that you are,you have to want happiness and allow yourself to be happy before it can/will happen. I know what you mean on friends that grow apart and it is a very rotten feeling I've had it happen to me lots of times before,but some people like you and me and get strong and move forward with our lives and still love things from our past. There are most things from my past I love and things I hate but all of those things made me who I am and I'm thankful for them,all of them(even the memories that do nothing but hurt me,because they're my memories and I wanna keep all of em.So one day when I'm stronger I can look back on em and be glad I have all of my memories. ~quoted from an episode of Fruits Basket~).
Reply
:iconbadheartart:
BADheartart Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013  Professional General Artist
personally, not having known you all that long, I just have to say, thumbs up for trying to be yourself. It is something I too struggle with in more than one way. Especially now in this stupid society of trying to be the perfect character in a perfect fantasy story. But the truth is, every story has multiple flaws, whether it's the story line or the characters themselves. Nobody can be perfect, and everyone has problems. Some people are just better at hiding those problems in a flattering way.
TO be honest I just skimmed quickly through this, not having much time, but I feel for ya, and sorry if this 'rant' doesn't really apply to you :)
Reply
:iconziiachan:
ZiiaChan Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013
This was a really, really interesting journal to read. Really well written, put together, and unique. o: I'm glad I took the time to read it.


As for me, I just grew up, learned more and opened my eyes to some things I forced myself to ignore and stay blind to. I can and am still pretty much the old me, just not as naive, clueless, and pushed around as much. Though still a pushover at times cause I can't help that XD; but I know when something makes me happy or uncomfortable.

And also, I guess it's really just part of life sometimes. Some people may stay the same a bit, but others get effected by life events, inspirations, or many other reasons. It's just part of life and growing up, some people don't stay the same and become something new. Sometimes the new them have good traits, sometimes it comes with new bad traits, though sometimes the bad or good could out weigh one another. It all depends and viewed differently from different people.

As for you changing your depression, it won't cause bad things. You can still be fircoal without depression. I believe I've talked with a happy you before and I could still tell it was you. I think if you somehow found a way to get rid of the depression, it could allow a lot of happy things to enter your life.


Anyways, still a really good journal and worth a fav for sure.
Reply
:iconneilikkaa:
Neilikkaa Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I understand exactly what you mean.

While all my friends change and move on to different parts, I sorta stay the same, and that's where my depression comes in, knowing I can't move on like them, I'm stuck on the same things I've always been stuck on. And I get kinda sick of it. I've never liked how I am, I've never liked how I think, I've never really liked anything about myself. But I don't think I could change this, because it's who I am. Being Bi-polar, my thinking changes a lot, one moment I may hate my changes, next moment love 'em. I don't know where I am getting with this, but I guess it's just my mind.

I've met a lot of people who I couldn't live without now, and I hope they'll stay the same. My older friends now aren't really people I can call friends, just people I can talk to when they message me. It absolutely breaks my heart, but I guess it can't be helped. I'm gonna stop this here so that I don't get too deep.
Reply
:iconshinyuu33:
Shinyuu33 Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013
sorry i cant read this fully (time aint too good in my ha nds) but i am here for you pal, *hug* and i like you the way you are, and *hug*
Reply
:iconshinypika23:
ShinyPika23 Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Everything needs to change. Grass grows, grass burns, grass whithers away.

You're a smart guy, right? Obviously. Imagine life is a graph. A constantly moving graph. A function, f(x). With every hour, the line moves up or down. Up is progress, and down is regression. With every rise, there must be a fall. Maybe not a great fall, or maybe not a great rise. But what's important is that the graph never retreats back on itself. No matter what, everything must change.

Let's think on a higher scale here. The 1960s brought about an act of war and peace. Woostock was established. The term "hippie" was coined with freedom fighters who "fought the power" with those little peace symbols. People demanded change for the better. Come the 1980s, the people who were once hippies now have that magical feeling that everyone gets for their past:

Nostalgia.

You've had nostalgia, I've had nostalgia, there's a very popular critic who relies on nostalgia. It's when we pine for or just remember the past. Reliving our old feelings, and breathing our old air. I watched Digimon Adventure saga back when I was 8. Now every time I watch it, I get that nostalgic feeling. Those goosebumps when a Digimon digivolves. Those iconic gags. Sure, most of it is in jest, but today, I enjoy it differently than someone else who was just watching the series for the first time.

That is progress. That is nostalgia. You're sort of making it sound like you don't have enough nostalgia.

Sometimes, Firfir, we have to try and make a change. Be rebellious. Go against our friends' or parents' or our bodies' wishes. Be curious and try everything. That's how young people continue smoking today. They see their parents' cigarettes, wonder what's so damn good about them, do what their parents do, and boom. Suddenly smoking. A lifetime of addiction, all to spite their parents.

You might note that smoking is not progress, but is widely considered to be regressive. And that's maybe because we're not looking at progress the same way. Let me refer to the graph again. As I recently learned, you can use the term f(y) instead of f(x). If you say x=5y-y, you will be measuring the graph based on its travel along the y-axis, not the x-axis. What does this mean? Well, you're just looking at the graph wrong. In a regular x= kind of problem, you read the graph left to right along the x-axis, not by checking every little nook and saying "it's going down, there's regression." In a way, that IS regression. But it is also progress, because it is still moving forward.

And yes. There are some things I cling to to this day. Things don't change around me. I used to love Spongebob and Fairly Oddparents. Then I changed. I don't watch Oddparents anymore, and Spongebob's gone down the pooper. Now I watch My Little Pony, something I wouldn't be caught dead watching in earlier years. Now it's the norm, the newest change with Hasbro. Did we accept this change? Fuck yeah, we accepted this change, with open fucking arms.

I don't know about you, but with my lifestyle, I LIKE change. I've been living in the same polished-turd house for 19 and a half long years, and I want to go out and do things. I went to Costa Rica once. I went to Virginia. I went to New York City and found my personal heaven on earth. And you know what else? One day, I want to find all of my friends around the world and meet, greet, hug, and...something that rhymes with "hug", them all. Including you.

In fact, truth be told, you are one of the few recent changes I refused to take. You know how easy it would've been for me to just drop you as a contact after your shenanigans with our forum? But I didn't. I didn't change, no matter what everyone thought. I was pretty sure that everyone else wanted me to drop all connections to you. But I didn't. I didn't change that part of me, on purpose. And you know what our relationship between then and now has been? Progress. I accept pretty much everything about you, man. Sure, we argue, but that's just because I want to have one of those nerd arguments that get people riled up. It's like jocks saying which year the LA Lakers were best, or old people arguing which year was the best. It all comes back to nostalgia.

Okay. I think I've rambled enough. I'll leave you to see if all of this is relevant or not. :)
Reply
:iconziiachan:
ZiiaChan Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013
Your comment is so true XD especially the nostalgia part.
:iconfreeinternetplz: for you
Reply
:iconshinypika23:
ShinyPika23 Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Holy fuck, I wrote a lot. O.O
Reply
Add a Comment: